Good Grief! Understanding Disenfranchised Grief and Hidden Loss

“Grief that cannot be openly expressed because the death or other loss cannot be publicly acknowledged.”
(Doka, 1989)

Introduction

Throughout our lives, we will all experience some form of loss and grief. During these difficult times, we hope to receive support, understanding, compassion, and acknowledgement from those around us. For many people, this occurs naturally following the death of a loved one or another significant life event.

However, not all losses are recognised or validated by society. Some individuals experience grief that is minimised, overlooked, or misunderstood. Others may feel unable to openly express their sadness because the nature of their loss is socially stigmatised, hidden, or considered less significant by others.

This type of grief is known as disenfranchised grief, a term first introduced by Kenneth Doka (1989) to describe grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly supported.

Disenfranchised grief can arise from many different forms of loss, often leaving individuals feeling isolated, unsupported, and alone in their grief experience.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person’s loss is not recognised by society as significant enough to warrant public mourning or support.

Doka (1989) suggested that grief may become disenfranchised when:

  • The relationship is not socially recognised.
  • The loss itself is not recognised.
  • The person grieving is not considered entitled to grieve.

As a result, individuals may feel that they do not have permission to openly mourn their loss or seek support from others.

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples: Grief, Loss and Cultural Disconnection

For many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, grief and loss are deeply connected to experiences of colonisation, dispossession, cultural disruption, racism, and intergenerational trauma.

Reynolds (2002) describes how disenfranchised grief can occur when individuals are alienated from their culture, language, history, ancestry, and identity. This form of grief extends beyond the loss of an individual and may encompass the loss of community connection, cultural practices, land, and traditional ways of life.

The Ways Forward Report (1994) highlighted the profound impact that loss of culture, land, kinship networks, and community belonging has had on Aboriginal peoples. The Bringing Them Home Report (1997) further documented the devastating consequences of the Stolen Generations and the enduring grief experienced by many families and communities.

The Australian Indigenous HealthInfoNet (2015) notes that unresolved grief may be passed between generations, contributing to what is often referred to as intergenerational grief. This grief remains present because the losses themselves have often never been fully acknowledged, reconciled, or healed.

Understanding these experiences requires recognising that grief can be collective, historical, cultural, and ongoing.

Perinatal Loss and Pregnancy-Related Grief

Perinatal grief refers to the grief experienced following the loss of a baby during pregnancy, birth, or shortly after birth.

This may include:

  • Miscarriage
  • Ectopic pregnancy
  • Termination of pregnancy
  • Stillbirth
  • Neonatal death

McSpedden (2017) describes perinatal loss as a particularly complex form of bereavement because it often occurs suddenly and without warning. Families are left grieving not only the death of a child but also the hopes, plans, and future they had imagined.

Many parents report feeling that others minimise their loss because the baby may not have been known to extended family or friends. Unfortunately, comments such as “you can always try again” can unintentionally invalidate the significance of the grief experience.

For many families, the grief associated with pregnancy and infant loss can be profound and enduring.

Grief Following Abortion

Disenfranchised grief can also occur following abortion.

While experiences vary significantly, some women may experience feelings of grief, sadness, regret, loss, or emotional conflict following an abortion. Because abortion remains socially and politically sensitive, individuals may feel unable to discuss their emotions openly or seek support.

As Despelder and Strickland (1995) observed, individuals may find themselves caught between competing social viewpoints. Those who support the decision may minimise the loss, while others who recognise the loss may not approve of the decision itself.

This can leave women feeling isolated and unsupported as they process their emotions.

The Loss of a Companion Animal

For many people, pets are beloved family members, companions, and sources of emotional comfort.

Despite the significance of these relationships, grief following the death of a pet is often minimised or misunderstood.

Jones (2016) notes that animals become deeply embedded in our daily lives and contribute significantly to emotional wellbeing. Research reviewed by Yonan (2012) found that the death of a companion animal can be as devastating as the loss of a significant human relationship.

Yet many individuals suffer this loss in silence because society does not always recognise pet bereavement as legitimate grief.

Relationships That Are Not Socially Recognised

Disenfranchised grief frequently occurs when society fails to recognise the importance of a particular relationship.

Examples may include:

  • Former partners and spouses
  • Close friends
  • Neighbours
  • Foster parents
  • Caregivers
  • Roommates
  • Work colleagues
  • Medical professionals caring for long-term patients

These relationships may involve years of emotional investment and connection, yet individuals are often expected to provide support to others rather than receive support themselves.

Thompson (2002) also notes that grief can occur in relationships that are not openly acknowledged or socially accepted.

Historically, these have included:

  • Same-sex relationships
  • Extramarital relationships
  • Cohabiting partners
  • Other non-traditional family relationships

When such relationships end through death, the surviving individual may be denied the opportunity to openly grieve.

Grief Following the Death of an Ex-Partner

Even when a romantic relationship has ended, grief may still occur following the death of a former partner.

Former spouses, partners, and significant relationships often hold enduring emotional significance. The death of an ex-partner may represent the permanent loss of any opportunity for reconciliation, friendship, closure, or future connection.

Because society may not recognise the legitimacy of this grief, individuals can experience feelings of isolation and disenfranchisement.

Grief Following Suicide

The death of a loved one by suicide can be one of the most complex forms of bereavement.

In addition to the profound sadness associated with the loss, survivors frequently experience a range of intense emotions, including shock, guilt, anger, confusion, regret, and unanswered questions. Many people find themselves repeatedly questioning whether they could have done something differently or recognised warning signs earlier.

Unfortunately, despite increasing public awareness of mental health and suicide prevention, stigma surrounding suicide still exists. Family members and friends may encounter judgement, silence, or discomfort from others who are unsure how to respond. Some report feeling unable to openly talk about the circumstances of the death for fear of negative reactions.

As a result, grief following suicide can become disenfranchised when survivors feel their loss is misunderstood, minimised, or avoided by those around them.

The impact may be particularly significant for:

  • Parents who have lost a child to suicide.
  • Children who have lost a parent.
  • Siblings.
  • Friends.
  • Former partners.
  • Colleagues.
  • First responders and helping professionals.

Many survivors describe grieving not only the death itself, but also the future they had imagined with that person. They may struggle with unanswered questions and a search for meaning that can continue long after the death has occurred.

Compassionate support, opportunities to share memories, and specialist grief counselling can play an important role in helping individuals navigate the complexities of suicide bereavement.

Loss of a therapist, counsellor, mentor or significant professional relationship

Disenfranchised grief can occur following the loss of a therapist, counsellor, mentor, teacher, coach, spiritual advisor, or another trusted professional who has played a significant role in a person’s life.

These relationships are often unique. Over months or years, individuals may share deeply personal experiences, fears, hopes, struggles, and life events with a helping professional. The relationship can become a source of safety, trust, support, and stability during difficult periods of life.

When such a person dies, retires unexpectedly, relocates, becomes unwell, or can no longer provide support, individuals may experience a profound sense of loss. In some cases, they may grieve not only the relationship itself but also the loss of a person who witnessed important parts of their life journey.

Unfortunately, this type of grief is not always recognised by others. Individuals may hear comments such as:

  • “They were only your psychologist.”
  • “You can always find another counsellor.”
  • “It wasn’t a real relationship.”
  • “You hardly knew them outside of work.”

These responses can unintentionally minimise the significance of the connection and leave individuals feeling isolated in their grief.

The reality is that the importance of a relationship is not determined by its title but by the meaning it holds for the person experiencing the loss.

For some individuals, the death of a therapist, psychologist, counsellor, mentor, or other helping professional may represent the loss of one of the few people with whom they felt completely understood. It may also mean losing a source of guidance, encouragement, and emotional support at a time when it is needed most.

Similarly, helping professionals themselves may experience grief following the death of a long-term client, patient, student, supervisee, or colleague. While professional boundaries exist, these relationships often involve significant emotional investment and human connection. Yet the resulting grief may not always be publicly acknowledged or openly discussed.

Recognising these losses as legitimate forms of grief can help individuals seek support, process their emotions, and honour the importance of the relationship. “The importance of a relationship is not determined by its title but by the meaning it holds for the person experiencing the loss.”

Grieving the loss of Future Possibilities

Sometimes people are not only grieving the person who died, but also the future they imagined with that person.

This may include:

  • Future conversations
  • Shared experiences
  • Reconciliation
  • Special events
  • Life milestones
  • Personal dreams and plans

One of the reasons disenfranchised grief can be so complex is that others often see only the death itself, while the grieving person is simultaneously mourning the loss of an anticipated future.

Children, Older Adults and People Living with Disability

Disenfranchised grief can also occur when society assumes that a person lacks the capacity to grieve.

Historically, children, older adults, and people living with intellectual or developmental disabilities have sometimes been excluded from discussions about death and prevented from participating in mourning rituals.

Reynolds (2002) suggests that this exclusion often occurs because others underestimate the individual’s capacity to understand and process loss.

Research demonstrates that children and people living with disabilities experience grief just as deeply as others, although they may express it differently. Failing to recognise their grief can contribute to increased distress and emotional isolation.

Disenfranchised Grief During the COVID-19 Pandemic

The COVID-19 pandemic highlighted how important social connection, cultural practices, and mourning rituals are in the grieving process.

During this period, many individuals experienced significant losses under circumstances that limited their ability to grieve in ways that would ordinarily be available to them. Hospital visitation restrictions, travel limitations, gathering restrictions, and limits on funeral attendance often meant that families were unable to be physically present with loved ones during their final moments.

In my clinical practice, I worked with individuals who experienced profound grief related to these restrictions. Some described situations where only one or two family members were permitted to be present when a loved one passed away, leaving other family members unable to say goodbye. Others reported feeling distressed because they could not attend funerals, participate in cultural mourning practices, or gather with extended family for support.

For many people, these restrictions created an additional layer of grief. Not only were they mourning the loss of a loved one, but they were also grieving the loss of important rituals, opportunities for closure, and shared family experiences that often support healing following bereavement.

The pandemic demonstrated that grief extends beyond the death itself. The ability to connect, share memories, participate in cultural and spiritual practices, and receive support from others can be equally important components of the grieving process.

As a result, COVID-19 brought renewed attention to disenfranchised grief and highlighted how social circumstances can significantly affect the way individuals experience and process loss.

New Understandings of Disenfranchised Grief

Contemporary grief research has expanded our understanding of disenfranchised grief.

Today, grief is recognised as extending beyond death-related loss. Individuals may grieve:

  • Loss of health
  • Loss of independence
  • Retirement
  • Divorce
  • Infertility
  • Loss of identity
  • Loss of employment
  • Dementia-related changes in a loved one
  • Cultural displacement
  • Future hopes and dreams

The COVID-19 pandemic further highlighted how people can experience grief without the traditional support, rituals, and social connection that often assist the grieving process.

Modern grief theory increasingly recognises that grief is not something people simply “get over.” Instead, many people learn to integrate their loss into their lives while maintaining meaningful connections to the people, experiences, relationships, or identities they have lost.

Why Recognition Matters

One of the most important factors in healthy grieving is acknowledgement.

When individuals feel heard, understood, and supported, they are generally better able to process and adapt to loss.

Conversely, when grief is ignored, minimised, or invalidated, individuals may experience:

  • Social isolation
  • Shame
  • Loneliness
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Complicated grief reactions

Sometimes the absence of recognition becomes almost as painful as the loss itself.

Conclusion

Disenfranchised grief reminds us that not all losses are visible and not all grief receives public recognition.

Whether the loss involves a loved one, a pregnancy, a relationship, a companion animal, cultural identity, independence, health, or future aspirations, the impact can be profound.

Grief does not need social approval to be valid.

By increasing awareness of disenfranchised grief, we can create more compassionate communities that acknowledge the diverse ways people experience loss and provide support without judgement.

Every loss has a story. Every grief experience deserves recognition.

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